See the original posting on Boing Boing
Did Tom Cruise buy babies on the black market? Did Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have a secret Bahamas getaway? Has Queen Elizabeth refused to bless Prince Harrys wedding?
When have the tabloids ever been wrong?
It’s yet another week of fact-challenged stories in the dubious tabloids and celebrity magazines.
Barbra Streisand has allegedly undergone $360,000-worth of cosmetic surgery to rebuild her face and save her crumbling marriage so that she is now totally unrecognizable, reports the Globe. The mag unhelpfully includes a photo of the new-look Streisand who is unmistakably recognizable as the famed diva.
Also allegedly rebuilding her face is plastic surgery junkie Melanie Griffith, who in a desperate bid to live to 100 has returned to the ACQUA Klinik in Germany to receive stem cell treatments, reports the National Enquirer.’ But even if the treatments succeed in making the actress look younger, they arent intended to prolong life – thats pure tabloid fantasy – theyre supposed to make her appear younger.
Us magazine devotes its cover and four inside pages to Affleck and Garners Secret Bahamas Reunion! So secret was their rendezvous that its also pictured extensively in the Enquirer (Ben & Jens Hookup in Paradise!), which touts the story as an Enquirer Exclusive. From the photos its plain that theyre not hiding from the paparazzi. No secrets to hide here.
Did Tom Cruise, John Travolta and other celebrities adopt babies in Scientologys baby black market as the Enquirer claims? Its breaking news about events 20 years ago claims that the stars adopted children through an unlicensed broker – but buried deep within the ten-month investigation report is an admission that the adoptions were ultimately handled by an attorney to be done correctly – completely undercutting the story. No black market, and nothing illegal.
Has the Queen refused to give her blessing to Prince Harrys wedding to American actress Meghan Markle, as the Globe claims? It seems unlikely, since the couple are not even engaged yet. The Globe explains that “the divorced TV actress isnt a good fit with the royal family.” But since Prince Charles divorced and remarried divorcée Camilla Parker Bowles, surely Markles status as a divorcée is hardly an impediment?
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us mag to tell us that Victoria Justice wore it best (do you really wear a clutch purse – and can one really be judged for carrying it best? Did Lauren Cohan really carry her clutch bag the worst? Sad), that La La Anthony totally hates mustard, former Bachelorette contestant Ashley Iaconetti (really scraping the bottom of the celebrity barrel here) carries almonds, mascara and a sewing kit in her Forever 21 tote, and that the stars are just like us: they ride bikes, make phone calls, and use umbrellas when it rains. Wow. I always thought celebrities walked everywhere, sent telegrams, and got wet when it rained.
Bringing us truly important news we can use, Us mag also brings us Hollywoods Hottest Hunks! while People magazine offers Gorgeous Celebrity Weddings and devotes its cover to John F Kennedys Jrs wife Carolyn Bessette Kennedy: Her Untold Story. Its a tale that might have been more interesting when she died, rather than 18 years later when it just feels dated.
Proving that rap stars are people too, Sean Combs, at home with his six children, tells People: Im the luckiest man alive, and the mag explains why Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have hired a surrogate to have their third child: Kim was told she couldnt carry another baby – that it would be too dangerous, says an unnamed source. Maybe she keeps dropping them? Maybe she cant even carry a clutch bag? Enquiring minds want to know.
In other up-to-the-minute news, the National Examiner bring us the Bizarre Secrets of Men in Black, which will be great if they ever invent a time machine and take us back to 1997 when this article will appear more like breaking news.
Failing to find any evidence of aliens, Bigfoot, Yeti or the Loch Ness Monster this week, the Examiner tells us that the mystical crane will bring you luck, love, prosperity and vitality. But you dont have to catch your own bird to have all that luck and the sort of long life that sends Melanie
Griffith scurrying to mysterious German Kliniks – you simply have to clip & save the photo of an origami paper crane that the Examiner has helpfully included in its article. For a boost in prosperity, place the crane image just inside your front door, advises the mag. Or put the image in your wallet to attract love, in a sunny window for healing energy, or in a bowl of fruit to smooth family discord. Thats news you can use.
Onwards and downwards . . .